Stan Collymore believes that Arsenal should get rid of Mikel Arteta, even if he gets Arsenal in to the top four, and they should hire Patrick Vieira, if he gets Crystal Palace into the top half of the table at the end of the season.

In what was quite a display of arrogance, the type of which men like Stan Collymore are well known, his Daily Mirror column was quite something on Tuesday.

Let’s go through it, bit by bit…

“Whisper it, but Crystal Palace are in the Premier League’s top 10 with 10 games to go and, if they can stay there until the end of the season, it will be the first time they have achieved a top-half finish,” Collymore wrote, with no hint of what was to come.

“If they can do that then I wonder if Arsenal might just look at such an achievement by Eagles boss Patrick Vieira and, if they themselves have finished in the Champions League spots, decide to go all Invincible by bringing home the club legend at Mikel Arteta’s expense.” Wait, what?

Arsenal should bring Vieira back because he was an Invincible, despite Arteta currently having Arsenal in fourth place, one point ahead of Manchester United and with three games in hand?

“I’m not dismissing what Arteta is doing (yes, you are) — I asked him to prove he could get Arsenal into the top four (you asked him to prove? Who the hell are you to be asking anyone to prove anything to you?) and, with three games in hand and superior points on some of their rivals, he is looking good for that,” Collymore continued, weirdly trying to take credit for Arsenal’s form.

“But I’m convinced Bukayo Saka, Emile Smith Rowe and Gabriel Martinelli would all learn more about heart, desire and winning with ruthless efficiency in a week under Vieira than they would in three seasons under the Spaniard.”

This was clearly written by someone who has not watched a minute of Arsenal this season, because there is quite simply no more ‘heart’ for those three players to give.

“And it wouldn’t surprise me if the powers that be at the Emirates weren’t thinking the same.”

Have you ever read such nonsense? And this man is paid for his opinions.

Why did he not spend the time talking about the job Vieira is doing at Crystal Palace? What has any of that to do with Arsenal?

Going through the papers every day, I read some serious amounts of bulls**t, but this is right up there as the cream on top of the bull pie that is the mainstream media’s coverage of football in general and Arsenal in particular.

On the same page, the man whose opinions are so valuable he gets actual cash money for them, believes that the way to fix Manchester United is to get rid of their (allegedly) rapey number 7 and hire Mauicio Pochettino.

Revolutionary!

For the record, Stan Collymore played for Crystal Palace, Southend United, Nottingham Forest, Liverpool, Aston Villa, Fulham, Leicester, Bradford and Real Oviedo.

The sum total of his honours during his career was one Player of the Month award in January, 1996.