You’ll have heard of the fairytale.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is quite famous after all, as the first animated Disney picture. The story is pretty simple too.
In short, Snow White invades the home of the dwarfs as she flees her evil stepmother, and the dwarfs then follow her around in a rather sycophantic way until she gets poisoned. Then Prince Charming comes to wake her up so that the dwarfs can go back to their usual existence.
Something like that, anyway.
Over at Cannon Towers we had a spell of calling Diego Costa a variety of names, including Grumpy and Sulky, and I thought it would be fun to categorise a few more of Mourinho’s squad this way. See if you can work out who’s who, answers at the bottom.
Jo Spite – this man is the head of the gang, the one who sets the tone and makes Chelsea possibly the most hated club in all of England (not bad, considering Millwall exist). He’s special, but not in the way he thinks. Needs a Russian prince to give him the kiss of P45 and free the players from his influence.
Coc – this player decided to join Chelsea after being turned down by another London club, demonstrating how his decision making needs work. ‘Traitor‘ is his middle name.
Stroppy – this player is a fan of getting in the referee’s face, and recently received a three-game ban (farcically reduced to two) for flattening an opposition player.
Stampy – this player is as nasty as they come, with a particularly poor habit of deliberately standing on his opponents while they are on the floor. Once managed to stamp on two opposition players in one game.
Snitchy – this player can always be found within a one metre radius of the referee, as he prattles away in any attempt to get opposition players warned, booked or sent off. Less snitchy when he’s the one kneeing someone in the back of the thigh in a Champions League semi-final.
Dirty – this player knows how to commit every foul in the book, every foul in the library and even some that can’t be found in the restricted section of Hogwarts. Also likes diving, elbowing and red cards in general.
Squealy – this player likes to cry like a baby when he gets taken out and spends so much time on the floor you’d think his legs unable to support his weight. Unfortunately also quite good at using them to kick a ball, must be getting tired of carrying all the other bores on his shoulders.
Moany – this player loves to get aggressive with opposition forwards who he feels have gone to ground too easily, pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable and complaining to the referee. Less concerned when he is the one doing a “Swan Lake” dive against Hull City while on a booking.
Sneaky – this player loves to tackle from behind and tread on the back of opposition ankles, a trait he presumably learned from the delightful Fernando Torres. Can also be found sneaking into the box on occasion but usually uses his baby face to cover for his less salubrious sneaking.
Angry – this player is rarely seen without a scowl on his face, and constantly looks like he wants to murder someone. Could do with an eyebrow wax to fix his monobrow and some plastic surgery to hide the teeth marks on his arm.
Lanky – this player is really tall, has go-go-gadget style arms and was apparently unbeatable until Charlie Adam rocked up. Also known as Skanky now that he has returned to Chelsea following a loan spell.
Lonely – this player is the only one in the regular Chelsea eleven to have no obvious outwardly despicable traits, other than a tendency to go in a bit hard for challenges. Therefore he is lonely, since he doesn’t have much in common with his teammates.
Have you got any dwarvish nicknames for the Chelsea players? Let us know via twitter and we’ll retweet the best.
1. Jo Spite – Mourinho
2. Coc – Fabregas
3. Stroppy – Matic
4. Stampy – Costa
5. Snitchy – Terry
6. Dirty – Ramires
7. Squealy – Hazard
8. Moany – Cahill
9. Sneaky – Oscar
10. Angry – Ivanovic
11. Lanky – Courtois
12. Lonely – Azpilicueta