Ahead of the north London derby this weekend, I thought I’d take a look at some of the things I dislike most about Tottenham.

This could have been a very long list, so I restricted it otherwise I’d still have been typing at kick-off.

Let’s start with the one I hate the most at present:

Dele Alli’s face

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 02: Dele Alli of Tottenham Hotspur is tackled by Admir Mehmedi of Bayer Leverkusen during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Tottenham Hotspur FC and Bayer 04 Leverkusen at Wembley Stadium on November 2, 2016 in London, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND – NOVEMBER 02: Dele Alli of Tottenham Hotspur is tackled by Admir Mehmedi of Bayer Leverkusen during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Tottenham Hotspur FC and Bayer 04 Leverkusen at Wembley Stadium on November 2, 2016 in London, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

He’s a cheat. He dives. He whinges. He leaves his foot in. And he has a face that makes me want to smash things. Petulant, immature, snide, Dele Alli is Tottenham personified.

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Harry Kane’s luck

LONDON, ENGLAND - MARCH 05: Harry Kane of Tottenham Hotspur wearing a face mask is seen during the Barclays Premier League match between Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal at White Hart Lane on March 5, 2016 in London, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND – MARCH 05: Harry Kane of Tottenham Hotspur wearing a face mask is seen during the Barclays Premier League match between Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal at White Hart Lane on March 5, 2016 in London, England. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

Even though he hasn’t played since September and will be in no way match fit, it wouldn’t surprise me to see him come on and goalhang in the hope that something bounces off three players, hits his arse and goes in.

58 goals in 112 games is a very decent return, but his pathetic assist total of 9 highlights his inherent selfishness. He’s taken 357 shots to score those 58 goals, an average of a goal every six shots.

For comparison, Alexis averages a goal per 2.3 shots (and has 61 assists in his career).

Power-shift discussions

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Despite not finishing above Arsenal since Arsene Wenger took over at the club, every time Spurs have a good run in the league we have to listen to discussions about how the power is shifting/has shifted in north London.

Even if they manage to finish above Arsenal one day, that still doesn’t represent anything like a powershift.

Come back when Spurs have won another 11 league titles, one of which with an unbeaten season, and finished above Arsenal for 20 years in a row.

Then we’ll talk.

Their fans

spurs fans

I know Arsenal fans can be annoying but at least they are (mostly) realistic. For some reason, Spurs’ fans believe their club is on an equal-footing with Arsenal, with many actually declaring that they are better.

Their strapline

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‘To dare is to do’ – what the f**k does that even mean?

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Writer. Feminist. Dreamer. Gooner. Owner of DailyCannon.com, writing about Arsenal since 2008. Sometimes found in the Guardian, Vice.com & elsewhere talking queer issues, politics & football. If in doubt, assume sarcasm.