Here at Daily Cannon, we pride ourselves on our ability to bring you quality stories and exclusive interviews, and today is no exception.
This morning, Arsene Wenger held a team meeting to evaluate the players after the international break, and we had a fly on the wall taking notes as it happened.
Here’s how it went……
*the squad gathers in the main conference room in Colney as the manager walks in*
Arsene Wenger: Good morning one and all. Thanks for opening the door for me, Mesut.
Mesut Özil: Any time. I like to help.
AW: A couple of things to run through before training begins, I won’t keep you too long. First off, I’m sure I don’t need to emphasise how if any of you need any support after what happened in Paris, we’ll help in any way we can. If an English football crowd can sing La Marseilleise in Wembley, then anything is possible.
On a slightly more positive note, the international community has yet to call upon the use of the most dangerous war machine in the world in order to destroy ISIS, which means that Gabriel will still be here for the West Brom game at least.
Talking about Saturday’s game, I might as well go through my plans for the starting lineup. I’ll write them up on the whiteboard here, just as soon as I find my marker pen….
MÖ: Here you go. *juggles pen with his feet before lobbing it into Wenger’s jacket pocket*
AW: That’s amazing, cheers. Right, first up, goalkeeper. Petr?
Petr Cech: Yes boss?
AW: I’m going to rest you this weekend. You look a little jaded, I don’t think it’d be right to play you every wee………….HA!! Got you!!! It’s ok, calm down. You can pick your helmet off the floor, OK, you don’t really think I’m making that mistake again, do you?
*a single tear rolls down the cheek of David Ospina*
AW: Don’t fret, David. You’re the number one in my heart, I promise. Anyway, onto the defence. Left back, it’ll be Nacho. Sorry Kieran, you’re on the bench again.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: Um, that’s Kieran behind you, boss.
AW: Damn it.
AOC: Don’t worry about it. I used to get annoyed about it, then Megan Fox thought I was Michaelangelo one day. Never bothered me since. Cowabunga, dude!
AW: Indeed. Ok, right back. Well, Hector is injured, so…..
Hector Bellerin: No I’m not. I’m fine.
AW: But Twitter said you were out until February.
HB: Twitter said we were signing Karim Benzema.
AW: Touché. Ok, that’s the full backs sorted. At centre-back, I’m going with Laurent and……….erm…………give me a moment, I just have to fetch something.
MÖ: I can get it…..
AW: Don’t worry, I’m fine.
*Wenger leaves the room, only to return whilst wearing a full suit of armour and flanked by two men with tranquilliser guns*
AW: I’m picking Per. Please have mercy on me, Gabriel.
Gabriel Paulista: *glares*
AW: DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!!!! I STILL HAVE SO MUCH LIFE TO LIVE!!! PLEASE!!! I’LL PICK YOU ON TUESDAY AGAINST ZAGREB, I PROMISE!!!!
GP: *pauses before nodding once*
AW: *breaths heavily* Ok. Ok. That was close. *takes off suit of armour*. Right, midfield. I suppose it’s got to be Santi and Francis again.
*something starts to buzz*
AW: What’s that? Is that a phone ringing?
*’Money, Money, Money’ by ABBA’ starts to play*
AW: Oh for crying out loud. Mathieu, how many times have I told you to turn off your phone before coming in here?
Mathieu Flamini’s butler: Mr. Flamini apologises for the inconvenience.
AW: I’m sure he does. When he finishes his phone call, can you tell him he’s on the bench, please? Thank you. He spends so much time on that phone these days, you’d swear he was trying to save the world!
MF’s butler: Well, actually…..
AW: Never mind. Ok, onto the forwards. Where’s Alexis?
MÖ: He’s in the exercise room.
AW: What?! How?!?! I locked that door seven times so that he wouldn’t get in there!!!
MÖ: I gave him the key. He asked me for help. I like to help.
AW: Christ. Is there anything you can’t assist with?
MÖ: Not really. Unless you count trying to get Katie Hopkins out of the media. Even I can’t help with that.
AW: Pity. Anyway, you’re at number 10, obviously. And speaking of Katie Hopkins, we need a right winger. Is anyone available?
Joel Campbell: Me, boss.
JC: Over here, boss.
AW: Really? No-one? Damn. What about you Alex, are you fit yet?
AOC: It depends. Do you need a winger who can chip in with an important goal now and again?
AOC: Good, because I’m Kieran Gibbs.
AW: Oh for f…..you’ll do. Right, just the striker to go. I spoke to Danny today, he’s three weeks away. I’m not entirely sure what he’s three weeks away from, but he’s three weeks away. Theo is almost back as well, which leaves us with one option.
Olivier Giroud: Moi?
AW: Yes. It’s going to be hard, you’ll be in and around the box for long stretches, and we’re going to be relying on you to help with penetration and shooting from distance.
OG: That’s what she said. Heh heh heh.
AW: *shakes head and sighs* I need a drink.
MÖ: I can get that.
AW: Leave me alone!!!!