Arsenal went into the second leg of the League Cup semi final with Chelsea this week knowing that a clean sheet at the Emirates would see them returning to Wembley in March for the first time in – well, let’s just say a while.
Chelsea, on the other hand, knew that they need to score a minimum of 2 goals to win the tie outright, or at least 1 to get to extra time and then a penalty shoot out.
And yet.
Liam Rosenior, the newly installed Chelsea boss du jour, came to the home of the stingiest defence in the Premier League with the absolutely genius idea of playing, not to score but not to concede (sorry about all the italics so early, that’s probably it for now). In doing so, Rosenior fundamentally misunderstood not just the assignment, but his opposition.
Arsenal did not need to score last night and, with the meanest defence in the land, we were always going to be quite happy to sit on that lead for as long as we needed to. It was absolutely incredible to hear two co-commentators singularly failing to grasp this. Especially given that one of those commentators (hello, Lee Dixon) played in possibly the most famous defence in English football – yes, the Arsenal back five which straddled the landscape in the 1990s like a footballing Mount Rushmore.
Of course, the other co comms was Gary Neville.
I cut now to my friend, and yours I’m sure, Special Agent Dana Scully.
In Mulder and Scully’s introduction to the very underrated movie, The X Files: Fight The Future, our heroes find themselves on top of a building in Dallas Texas. There has been a bomb threat and it is, to use Mulder’s words, “Hotter than hell” up there. As it happens, the bomb threat has been called in a different building to the one Mulder and Scully are searching; a point Scully is keen to underline in the most “for those of you new to this, this is who I am” sequence ever as she explains, at length, the rationale of terrorism:
“The rational object of terrorism is to promote terror.”
As it happens, of course, Mulder is correct and they find the bomb, but the agent in charge allows it to explode anyway.
For my purposes, that’s beside the point really.
But I couldn’t help thinking about Scully and these words as I watched Chelsea do very little last night in a game they had to win, observed by a Gary Neville who seemed determined to recast Liam Rosenior as some sort of mega mind, footballing Goldfinger, running a 4-D chess game that only the Neviller could understand.
“Oh it’s the plan” we were told, or words to that effect about 4,275 times during the commentary. The plan was, apparently, to “take the game deep” – in layman’s terms, do nothing – and prey on the anxiety in the stadium and the psychological weaknesses of this Arsenal side. This Arsenal side, by the way, which had lost – count them – 3 games out of 37 (I think that’s right) played this season.
We may not be the Invincibles, but we remain a bloody tough nut to crack. Especially if you’re only planning to attempt it in 30 minutes of the 90 which were available to you.
But still, even as Chelsea managed nary a single dangerous moment in anger, the Neviller droned on about the plan. He even mentioned Jose Mourinho towards the end of the game.
You might have thought for a moment he was speaking in relation to Mikel Arteta (I know, it’s a horrible thought), but no, he meant Rosenior. Now I might be wrong here, but I think, for all his faults, Mourinho tended to shut down games only once they were won, not when they were still needing to be won.
The thing with Goldfinger, of course, was he had James Bond strapped to a table with a laser pointed almost directly at his balls and somehow still couldn’t manage to kill him.
Now, I’m sure it doesn’t take too much imagination to dream up the Neviller’s comments had it been Arsenal deploying a back five, laser very much not being directed at our opposition’s balls, with 45 minutes left of a 3 hour semi final in which we needed to score.
And then the penny dropped. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been as obvious if I hadn’t seen a clip on Instagram this week of him trying to goad Wrighty on the Overlap. “You (Arsenal) have to win it (the Premier League) now” he told Wrighty as if it would be the first time Wrighty, or any other Arsenal fan has heard this this season. A fact Wrighty pointed out to him, when he said Neville had said this after 8 games.
The Neviller then told Wrighty to – and I would never have believed this had I not heard it myself – stop being so “half hearted” about it. Yes, the Ian Wright, the most ‘plays with his heart’ player I’ve seen in the red and white in my lifetime.
Gary Neville is a commentary terrorist and his rational objective is to promote terror within the Arsenal fanbase.
You see, if he is successful in doing so, then every dropped Premier League point will provoke the panic attacks within the fanbase that weird Telegraph writer was talking about. Every misplaced pass will be met with howls of derision, every chance missed pored over and studied and analysed to the nth degree.
Neville talks out of one side of his mouth about how he wants Arsenal to win the league – if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you – and out of the other side, we get “if not, then never”. It’s all designed to get Arsenal fans at each other and create disharmony in our ranks, so the next time things go wrong for the team they are not supported.
It’s the other side of the coin from Mikel taking this job and recognising the power of connecting the fans to the team again and what that might do for us.
Those of you who are “lucky” enough to know me in person, or perhaps follow me on my socials, will be aware that, aside from the Arsenal, my abiding passion is the green baize of the snooker table.
Well, this week, snooker lost its greatest voice as John Virgo very sadly passed away at the age of 79.
It was in talking about this with a friend of mine that I realised us snooker fans have welcomed various commentators into our homes over the years. It’s like having the best of them round for a cuppa whilst they explain to you what’s going on and Virgo was absolutely the best of them, especially for being able to convey the drama unfolding in a frame. I know for a fact that April’s World Championship will absolutely hit differently now in the absence of the legendary “JV”.
But in this week of all weeks, his passing highlights the Neviller’s partisan approach to commentary which comes across a bit like a home invasion. I know I certainly wouldn’t be inviting him round for a cuppa anytime soon. Funny games, indeed.
As it happened, once Kai Havertz rounded Robert Sanchez and slotted the ball home in the final action of a game in which nothing much had happened, it was left to the Merse to say what had been bafflingly unsaid throughout the Neviller’s commentary.
“I honestly can’t believe what I’ve just watched, this is Chelsea football club… they’ve got international football players… this is not a bottom 4, bottom 5 team… he’s (Fofana – let’s name names) crying, he should be crying because they never had a go… I’m lost for words.”
John Terry, hilariously streaming himself on TikTok in the hope of recording a Chelsea goal which would have *checks notes* got them to extra time, had a couple, but they didn’t make any sense. “He’s offside” he repeated almost as often as the Neviller had told us about this nefarious “plan”, but Kai wasn’t offside and there was no greater plan. There was only the famous Arsenal, victorious and on our way back to Wembley.
Goodnight JV.