Oliver Holt, writing in the Mail on Sunday this weekend, has produced something rather special.

His main column, about Jose Mourinho’s epic ‘facts’ rant, contained quite possibly the most astounding sentence you will read this month, but let’s start with what he said about Arsenal fans and Danny Welbeck.

Welbeck, as you may know, dived/fell over (you can never be sure with Danny that he didn’t just lose control of his legs) against AC Milan.

If you spend any time on social media you will also know that the overwhelming response from Arsenal fans to the penalty call was one of embarrassment that Danny would dive like that.

For the most part, Gooners called Welbeck out for his dive and highlighted that this was the sort of thing you’d expect from Spurs not  Arsenal.

So, of course, given that Arsenal fans widely criticised Welbeck for his dive, Holt acknowledged that, right?

“When Danny Welbeck dives (left), Arsenal fans demand you talk about Dele Alli’s diving,” Holt wrote. “When Dele Alli dives, Spurs fans demand you talk about Jamie Vardy’s diving. It would be nice if, just once, supporters could take a step back and say that whoever is doing the diving is selling himself and his club short. But that’s a fantasy that will never become reality.”

Except, this all seems to be Holt’s own little fantasy.

Yes, some people invoked the memory of Dele Alli, a player who has been booked more times for diving than any other player since the start of the 2015/16 season (and has only been booked for a fraction of his dives). Some even mentioned Harry Kane.

But the majority, first and foremost, criticised Welbeck.

Holt writes of a fantasy that will never become a reality despite it being just that already.

The bigger fantasy, I suspect, is some football journalists putting facts ahead of hyperbole. That’s something that will never become a reality.

But what about Jose?

As you probably know by now, Jose Mourinho launched a 12-minute soliloquy during his press conference on Friday as he looked to defend himself from accusations he was playing terrible football with Manchester United, a club that expects not only to win, but to do so with style.

If you haven’t seen it yet, set aside some of your day and have a watch. It will be remembered in the same breath as Rafa Benitez’s ‘facts’ rant and Kevin Keegan’s ‘I’d love it’ interview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux4BgQxhNik

Holt, in his main column in the Mail on Sunday, tears Mourinho apart for it and it’s quite the read for everyone not called Jose Mourinho or Duncan Castles, but his opening two paragraphs are really quite special.

“Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address lasted two minutes,” Holt began. “Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech lasted 17 minutes. John F Kennedy’s Inauguration Speech lasted 14 minutes. Winston Churchill’s ‘Fight on the Beaches’ speech lasted 34 minutes.

“Acclaimed as football’s answer to all of them, Jose Mourinho’s self- serving, self- aggrandising, self-regarding, self-pitying, melodramatic, hard-luck claptrap that passed for his attempt at oratory on Friday afternoon lasted 12 minutes. His only theme was Jose Mourinho. He used his moment on the stage to deliver a homage to himself.”

Yes. You read that right.

Oliver Holt is claiming that someone, somewhere, has equated Jose Mourinho with Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, John F Kennedy and/or Winston Churchill and that this is well-known in the football world.

Holt’s article, for the most part, absolutely nails Jose Mourinho for what he truly is – a self-serving narcissist who has no problem destroying the reputation of a club like Manchester United to protect his own.

But you have to get past that opening first, and if you can do that and still take anything he says seriously, you’re doing well.