Paul Merson believes that Alexis Sanchez would guarantee Manchester United the title if they were to sign the Chilean from Arsenal.

Merson, who clearly can’t read or comprehend basic English, seems oblivious to Arsene Wenger’s stance that Alexis is not for sale – certainly not to a Premier League rival – and thinks that Jose Mourinho could land him with a bid over €50m.

“Manchester United should make a bid of more than £50m for Alexis Sanchez because he could bring them the title,” Merson told Starsport.

“I wouldn’t get too carried away by the way they steamrolled West Ham last Sunday because they are still a player short for me. For the first 25 minutes or so of that game they never looked like scoring.

“It was just like last season all over again. Then a bit of magic and they’re in front. But will they do that every week?

“In the end West Ham just rolled over. I didn’t fancy United at the start of the season and I didn’t see anything in that game to change my mind.

“But if they got Sanchez, I would. He would make a massive difference.

“Arsenal won’t sell him to a rival for £50m but if United offered £60m or £70m he goes. United can afford it as well.

“They would get most of it back in shirt sales.

“They’re one of the biggest clubs in the world and their club shop is the size of a shopping centre. They should go for him.”

Let’s just take a minute and break some of that down.

“Arsenal won’t sell him to a rival for £50m but if United offered £60m or £70m he goes” – really? You really think that, Paul? Given the grief that Arsenal got for selling Robin van Persie, who went on to win United the league, do you really think that an extra £20m would prompt Wenger to go ‘ah, what the hell?’

Then you add in the Mourinho factor.

This is a manager who wouldn’t even let Arsenal have Demba Ba on loan and tried to stop Roman Abramovich allowing Petr Cech to sign for the Gunners. It would be bad enough for Wenger if he had to sell Alexis after a summer of declaring he wasn’t for sale. For him to sell Alexis to Mourinho and United is just unthinkable.

Then again, perhaps that is where we are going wrong – we are expecting Paul Merson to think.

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Writer. Feminist. Dreamer. Gooner. Owner of DailyCannon.com, writing about Arsenal since 2008. Sometimes found in the Guardian, Vice.com & elsewhere talking queer issues, politics & football. If in doubt, assume sarcasm.