Chile might be prone to earthquakes, but the country has been ROCKED this morning by the news that star striker Alexis Sanchez has demanded a move to rivals Brazil following a dismal showing against Argentina.
Caught in a rage on camera after the loss, sources close to the player report that the little boy inside him has already moved on.
Chilean manager Juan Antonio Pizzi is also said to be part of the problem, with Sanchez angry he’s asked to wear shorts to training rather than enjoy the South American sun on every inch of his body.
A spokesman for Brazil, Don Askme, refused to officially confirm or deny when asked for comment by Daily Cannon Satire. However, this reporter has been undercover tracking the player to an emergency meeting with the president of the Brazilian FA for SECRET talks.
We can now EXCLUSIVELY reveal the deal Sanchez has struck with the Brazilian FA for his defection.
He will be paid an appearance fee in the form of a month’s supply of Pedigree Chum dog food, and the entire Brazilian team will now be expected to put in a weekly video appearance on Atom and Humber’s Instagram.
The bar which denied him during the Argentina game will also be extradited for forensic evaluation, before being chopped up and passed over to Sanchez to burn in his fireplace.
The Chilean FA today rubbished the idea that he could move, in an official statement:
“We are aware of the current allegations regarding Alexis Sanchez. However, we would like to remind the world that he has a contract for a lifetime of servitude with Chile – it’s called nationality.”
The player has reportedly responded with an Instagram post, where Atom is dressed as Darth Vader while Humber has been pimped up to look as cute and fluffy as possible. The old good cop, bad cop routine.
Chilean wine producers are said to be marching in solidarity with the player, just as soon as they’re done with next year’s grape-stomping.
Here at Daily Cannon Satire, we wish them well, and hope they are adept at using photoshop to make it look like there are more than five people at the event – the number at the last Alexis Sanchez protest.