Sometimes you meet someone who gets into your head.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try, or how much you wish otherwise, you simply can’t help obsessing over them. Small details become indescribably huge. The most mundane moments of your life are taken over by thoughts of that other, special, person.

You might be eating your own breakfast, yet all you can contemplate is the food that adorns his plate. You’re driving to work, yet your every thought turns to where he is headed in that moment. Or you might be managing your own football club, yet every question posed by a journalist becomes simply an opportunity to comment on him.

So it is, then, for one Jose Mourinho.

But his is an unrequited love.

He has tried pretty much everything to get Arsene’s attention, every single trick in his extensive psychological armoury. But nothing worked.

Allow me to tell the tale.

458153531 arsene wenger manager of arsenal looks on gettyimages

Once upon a time, Jose Mourinho’s full-on obsession

Every interview seen as an opportunity to obsess, every media commitment a chance to talk about his one, his only love. Every single time he opened his mouth, it was to profess the exact opposite footballing philosophy, in a desperate attempt to get Arsene’s attention.

As time ticked by, it became apparent to poor Jose that his tactics we not working. His words turned from provocative to spiteful, as his attempts to draw Wenger towards him failed. Embittered, Mourinho lashed out in misery, criticising anything and everything he could, and infusing each passing statement with that little bit extra venom.

Things got personal. Desperate for any attention, Mourinho started to throw out insults for fun, describing Arsene as a “voyeur”.

But to no avail! It was clear a new tactic was required, and of course Jose is the master of tactics. A masterstroke! Have a major breakdown, leave your job and go on a mid-life-crisis jolly abroad to ‘find yourself’. Even better, Arsene has worked in far flung lands himself, and will surely admire your courage, and sense of adventure?

Even from afar, it became clear to dear Jose that his master plan wasn’t having the desired effect. What does every damsel in distress crave? A knight in shining armour!

So in rides Jose, on his little horse, to save the day. And as a knight, he is noble, but humble at the same time. “Arsene, Arsene! I’ve changed! I’m not the big guy after all, I’m just a normal chap, trying to make the best of the hand life has dealt me. It’s not my fault clubs I manage always have billions of pounds to spend after all! I’m just a poor lowly guy on my little horse.”

Still nothing.

Jose was distraught. Still, the love of his life barely acknowledged his existence. And so he descended into another negative spiral of misery, unable to cope, and self-destructed to the point of losing his job – again.

He returned once more, this time with a different club behind him and with fresh resolve. He had shiny new £100m toys to distract him, yet the old fires burned strong inside. “Just let go, Jose” he berated himself, but he cannot. He simply cannot help himself.

Finally, he plucks up the courage to speak to the great man directly. “Arsene, hi! May I sit next to you?” But alas! “No, it isn’t possible.”

Jose stumbles backwards, devastated, finally finds a quiet corner and cries into his Merlot. Trophies mean nothing, if he cannot have the acceptance of the man he so loves. Oh Arsene, it all means nothing without you.

There will be no happily ever after.

Mourinho has now spent over a decade of his life, and his career, obsessing over a man he sees as less successful, yet whose reverence he cannot understand.

Here at Daily Cannon this week, we ran a poll to investigate – for all the noise about wanting Arsene Out, would the fanbase prefer Mourinho as Arsenal manager? The results were comprehensive – 87% would say “No way, Jose” to a trade.

The self-annointed ‘Special One’. A man who craves acceptance, yet cannot understand why – despite his statistical success – he is still seen as inferior to the man who he cannot get out of his head.

Poor Jose.

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Helen is a season ticket holder with a desperate addiction to both chocolate and the Arsenal. It's really just a question of which kills her first! Since making the (near) fatal mistake of setting up home with a Tottenham season ticket holder, life has become much more complicated. She finds solace by writing for Daily Cannon and cleansing herself of all traces of Spurs on Twitter @nellypop13.