In the Football Clinic, we attempt to help people struggling with problems of a footballing nature, be they technical, emotional or issues in their relationships caused by their obsession with football.

In this first edition, we have received a surprising letter from someone you might all be familiar with.

Dear Daily Cannon,

After watching my side lose to Arsenal in the FA Cup, I don’t know how I’m supposed to pretend that I have a good managerial record over Arsene Wenger any more.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can continue to keep up my illusion that I am relevant and a manager who deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Arsene Wenger?

Thanks in advance,

Sam A. from Sunderland.

Dear Sam,

We completely understand your frustration.

There is nothing more shocking in life than having to face the truth about your situation when you realise that you’ve been kidding yourself for years but we think you’ll find that your life will be improved infinitely by accepting the facts as they are and not how you want them to be.

The fact is, you’ve never been a manager who has a good record over Arsenal, no matter what you tell yourself. In 30 games against the Gunners, you’ve won only five and have lost 18. Even if you’re a regular acid-taker, that doesn’t make for a good record nor does it equal, as you claim in your biography, Arsenal beating you ‘sometimes’.

We don’t mean to be harsh, but sometimes directness is the only way to get a point across.

Self-confidence is an essential asset for anyone to have in their personal armoury, but when it’s built on delusions and flies in face of the facts, it can do more harm than good and stop you from making the changes to your life that would help you live a far more productive and balanced existence.

With just seven wins the FA Cup over the span of your entire managerial career, you need to accept that you’re just not very good.

We feel that once you find peace with this fact, you will become less tetchy and confrontational and might even find your way into Arsene Wenger’s office for a glass of red, over which the Arsenal boss could perhaps explain to you what it is like to actually be a good manager.


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Writer. Feminist. Dreamer. Gooner. Owner of, writing about Arsenal since 2008. Sometimes found in the Guardian, & elsewhere talking queer issues, politics & football. If in doubt, assume sarcasm.