There’s a famous Arsenal song which started about 18 months ago.

It started when Spurs sold their best player to Real Madrid, in the process freeing up the Spanish club to transfer the highest assist-maker in Europe’s top leagues to arch-rivals Arsenal.

It was a symbol of the very different positions the two North London clubs find themselves in.

It is now sung with gusto at pretty much every Gunners game:

“How does it feel to be Tottenham? How does it feel to be small? You sold Bale, we signed Mesut Özil. Mesut Özil. MESUT ÖZIL”

Well if you really want to know how it feels to be small, we need only look at the desperate attempts to build some excitement for the forthcoming Capital One Cup final.

Let’s cover the basics off first – over the years we’ve done pretty much all the comparisons.

THE MANAGER(S)

Since 1996, Arsenal’s solitary manager has seen off a mighty 12 Spurs leaders and has an astonishingly good record in the head to heads.

He has never finished below Spurs.

Eighteen seasons of superiority.

He also exudes a level of intelligence, dignity and class that none of those 12 managers have managed to combine.

Wenger waves goodbye to another spurs manager (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)
Wenger waves goodbye to another spurs manager (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

THE INFRASTRUCTURE

Wenger’s influence at Arsenal is everywhere, having revamped the academy, the training ground and the stadium.

Whichever part of the Arsenal infrastructure we consider, not only is the quality on a totally different level, but the history of the club pervades everything.

Spurs’ training ground is most recognisable for being the backdrop when ‘Arry Redknapp is hanging out of his Range Rover.

emirates v white hart lane

THE TROPHIES

Since 1996, Arsenal have won three league titles, five FA Cups, five Charity Shields and in the process won the double twice, at Old Trafford and of course at White Hart Lane in 2004, the same season incidentally where we went unbeaten. Spurs? Two league cups. So we can perhaps forgive them for getting a little overexcited at finally reaching another final. It doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the comedy though…

(Photo by JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images)
(Photo by JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images)

HOT SHOT TOTTENHAM

This month’s Tottenham shenanigans started with the news that Chas & Dave’s 1987 FA Cup Final song, Hot Shot Tottenham, was to be re-released with some tweaked lyrics to reflect the recent squad.

The song itself has been widely pilloried on Twitter since it was announced, and even Spurs’ fans seem a bit depressed by it.

Never mind the fact that it was an awful song which only peaked at #18 in the charts the first time around, it wasn’t even lucky. In that 1987 cup final, Spurs twice went ahead and twice choked, eventually losing 3-2 to Coventry after extra time.

Credit where it’s due I suppose – at least it’s being done for charity.

Still, the idea of Spurs being “football connoisseurs” as asserted by the dubious lyrics is just laughable.

They are second only to Chelsea in terms of shots attempted from outside the box – bearing in mind that 42% of shots from outside the box represent just 14% of all goals (not even including penalties or free kicks) that’s not exactly “connoisseurial” football.

I was at the Tottenham-West Ham game on Sunday (I know, I know – my other half is a Spurs fan and basically no one really wants to go see Spurs), and the song was played over the tannoy at half time.

Around me, the Tottenham fans seemed relatively split between enjoying the song (presumably for nostalgic reasons) and loudly expressing their exasperation that the club was making them a laughing stock again.

That’s right, even Tottenham fans know that they’re being made to look like fools.

Ledley all the goals are gonna be for you!” Imagine what it’s going to be like if they don’t actually score on Sunday – well, this is awkward.

The best was yet to come however.

DISCLAIMER

At this point, I’d just like to mention that I had to sit through a Harry Kane last minute equaliser and all the happy Tottenham fans around me to bring you this comedy gold.

(Yes, that’s right – it was only an equaliser, though you’d never have known it from the reaction.)

Just wanted to get that out there on the table.

TOTAL TOOLS

Shortly after the Hot Shot Tottenham disaster, there followed a rousing “Cheer if you’re going to the Capital One Cup final next weekend” and barely a murmur in response. Great job Spurs.

Undeterred, the plucky PA directed the crowd to look at the big screens to see how they could celebrate if they were unable to make the final.

Enter: The Tottenham Hotspur Cup Final Party Toolkit.

Apparently, the Spurs powers-that-be think their fans are so out of touch with winning trophies that they can’t even watch the final without clear guidance and instructions.

Some credit where it’s due, various fans in the crowd started muttering expletives and looking even more exasperated than during Hot Shot Tottenham.

But, I hear you say, I must have details as to the contents of a Tottenham Hotspur Cup Final Party Toolkit.

Well never fear, dear reader, the Daily Cannon has braved the Spurs website to bring you the inside scoop on all the things that were proving so hilarious to Gooners the world over.

Included within the aforementioned toolkit:

  • Player masks (best joke I saw on this wasn’t even from a troll – it was a real Spurs fan! @True_Spurs said, “I wore a Lamela one today. On the pitch. Got away with it for a full 90.”)
(photo via @TheGoonerette)
(photo via @TheGoonerette)
  • Pin the tail on Chirpy (not quite Gunnersaurus, is he?)
  • Tottenham Hotspur stickers to make your own cocktail sticks and bunting to decorate your walls, if you don’t mind it all looking dirty anyway
  • Recipes for such difficult dishes as Nachos (three ingredients required, lasagne clearly too complicated).
  • Directions for your friends (presumably “new” friends if they don’t know where you live already – told you no one wants to watch Tottenham unless there’s free food and likely giggles involved).
(photo via @DBerry1974)
(photo via @DBerry1974)
  • A cup final playlist including the gems “Lost” and “Summertime Sadness” – it’s like they’re predicting their own downfall.
  • Practically lifesize pictures of players and other assorted Spurs related rubbish (a jigsaw of the cockerel badge for kissing, presumably in drunken despair)
(photo via @DBerry1974)
(photo via @DBerry1974)
  • A cardboard cut-out trophy (it’s the closest they’re likely to get to one, even with Matic banned)
(photo via @DBerry1974)
(photo via @DBerry1974)

Fans can also pay extra (don’t worry, it’s free Postage & Packaging) for:

  • Flags to burn in anger when Chelsea score
  • A Tottenham Hotspur official chef’s hat so that you can look super cool
(photo via @DBerry1974)
(photo via @DBerry1974)
  • A Cup Final version of the home kit because they have way too much stock and need to get rid of some
  • A Cup Final branded hat with Wembley on the front in case you get lost on the way in, and to tear up in disgust when it all goes pear-shaped on the way out

So then, that’s exactly how it feels to be Tottenham.

How it feels to be small.

And no, it’s not April Fool’s Day. It could be Christmas come early though.

Of course there’ll be those who say it’s just sour grapes to be poking fun at them over this, but ask yourself – would you rather be in the Capital One Cup Final or playing Monaco in the last 16 of the Champions League?

Exactly.

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Helen is a season ticket holder with a desperate addiction to both chocolate and the Arsenal. It's really just a question of which kills her first! Since making the (near) fatal mistake of setting up home with a Tottenham season ticket holder, life has become much more complicated. She finds solace by writing for Daily Cannon and cleansing herself of all traces of Spurs on Twitter @nellypop13.