A few days ago I was looking through a load of old articles on my PC and came across a batch from 2011.
Due to a particularly awful summer when I hired the worst server company on the planet and they proceeded to lose most of our archives, it is an article no longer available on the site but I couldn’t help but be struck by how mind-numbingly familiar it all was.
If I hadn’t told you it was written in 2011, would you be able to tell?
To recap, at the end of the 2010/11 season, Arsenal finished 4th in the Premier League despite only being one point behind United at the top in February after a run of two full months with just one league win.
They were also dumped out of the Champions League by Barcelona in the last 16, losing 4-3 on aggregate (ARSHAAAAVVVIIINN! at home, Robin van Persie’s red card for shooting in the away leg).
Arsenal also went out of the FA Cup in the 6th round to Manchester United but reached the final of the league cup, where they had a chance to end their trophy drought against Birmingham only to, well, you remember….
Arsenal’s 2010/11 end of season report card
WARNING – MAY CONTAIN SARCASM
Overall grade: D
1. Maths: C
An inability to report accurate figures on a regular basis demonstrates not only a fundamental problem in Arsenals ability to count, but also a lack of understanding of the word ‘attendance.’ This is in stark contrast to Arsenal’s coursework based on their recent project which required them to emulate a bank which was exemplary; the only pupil in the class to make a profit. However, Arsenal let themselves down again by demonstrating that they could not quite work out how many goals were needed to ensure a match was safe. Much work is required in basic maths.
2. English: D
Arsenal have never shown any interest in English and this continues to be the case. Despite managing to discover the future of English football at the tender age of nine, it is well know that it was his six months on the student exchange program which actually made this player, not the previous nine years with Arsenal. Let Theo Walcott play with the under-21’s thus burning out, against the wishes of the FA it should be noted. Arsenal have zero respect for anything English.
3. Religious studies: F
Showed no belief in anything, refused to learn what ‘believe’ means, and were often found practising idolatry by worshipping the sideways pass above all others.
4. Science: C
The Arsenal experiment was shown to be flawed although still retains initial promise. Tweaks are needed to their thesis in order to improve this grade.
5. Information technology: B
In 2011 Arsenal showed their ability to embrace new media with players actively embracing a game of ‘abuse me, abuse me’ on Twitter. Found wanting in the area of website design, Arsenal have shown potential but must make more effort.
6. History: E
Arsenal failed to make any this year.
7. Geography: D
Must try harder. While being able to determine where the goal is in relation to the other landmarks in the area, Arsenal repeatedly showed a reluctance to go around the goalkeeper, and, instead, attempted to go through him, even when no tunnel existed. An amazing ability to hit the frame of the goal with consistency leads me to believe that a new compass might be required.
A notable mention must be given to Arsenal’s enthusiasm for covering every blade of grass with the ball while refusing to endanger the wildlife behind the goal with any sort of speculative shooting. This sort of respect for the environment is to be commended.
8. PE: C
More effort required. Having all the fitness in the world is no use if you don’t actually use it when playing. Too many sick-notes handed in over the course of the season, with some players seeming to have an aversion to P.E.
Often failed to turn up on time, or at all. When they did turn up, often left early. New watch needed along with new compass.
Overall, a very disappointing report for Arsenal this season.
They have failed to fulfil any of their huge potential, neglected many basics and have shown no interest in learning from past mistakes.