In light of recent events (and by events I meant the situation regarding Aaron Ramsey’s hair), and there being next to no news or fresh gossip around, I’m going to tackle a real issue that’s been haunting north London over the years.
That’s right, we’re getting to the good stuff…
Don’t ever let it be said that we don’t bring you the Real News here at Daily Cannon.
On Tuesday, Rambo unveiled a new haircut, which I can only describe as a combination of Eminem circa-2000 and an albino cockatoo. Now, despite what some of my colleagues think, I don’t reckon it’s that bad. I mean, it’s about 15 years out-of-date and he looks as if he about to take to the stage with N*Sync but we’ve definitely seen worse at Arsenal, right?
5 – Marouane Chamakh
Let’s ease in with our former striker whose hairstyle left me in a perpetual state of confusion. It wasn’t quite a faux-hawk but I’m not sure what else it could be described as. He kind of coaxed what strands of hair he had into a point and then allowed the elements (and headed goals) to take their toll but not before slathering it with two containers of his dad’s hair gel.
Since joining Crystal Palace, the 32-year-old (since when?!) has faced his receding hairline head-on by continuing to spike his hair forward. Even his little fringe tufts and, to be honest with you, that takes both denial and commitment in equal amounts. Good for you, Marouane!
4 – Alex Song
Alex Song changed his hairstyle every six – eight minutes; that is a cold, hard fact and if it hadn’t been for the sheer audacity of some of his ‘dos, he would be further up the list.
Let’s see, we had the umbra caterpillars, which I’m sure would actually have been very ‘in’ summer 2015, I’ll have you know. He looked like The Weeknd – forward thinking, that one.
Before that, we had what I like to call the sheep and sheep 2.0. These speak for themselves. Why he decided to go a little ~crazy~ and dye his beard blond as well, only Song will know. What a maverick; what a time man.
3 – Bacary Sagna
Sagna’s braids mysteriously disappeared when he joined Manchester City. Almost as if he actually wanted to be taken seriously or he was finally getting paid enough to see a hairdresser, since it’s pretty much #fact that all Arsenal paid him in was old coins and jelly beans.
Back in 2009, the French right-back gave an interview in which he described why he got the… interesting… style.
“I was 17 or 18 and playing in the fourth team against the seniors,” he explained.
“They were 25 to 30 years of age, and we were teenagers, a young team like Arsenal.
“But we were playing better than them because we played as a team; we used to do everything together. The bet was I had to score two goals to change my hairstyle.
“That’s my father – not one, two! Afterwards, I called him and told him I`d done it. He didn’t believe me, but I did it and I remember thinking, ‘Now, I can do what I want.'”
Quite why he wanted to do that exactly, I don’t even think he knows.
2 – Gervinho
Gervinho’s forehead is probably more famous than he is.
It’s said, that if you rub it, you absorb a little bit of his footballing ability and this is why he’s terrible. So many people have delicately parted his curtains and gently massaged his dome that he practically can’t play football anymore. This is why he missed that one-on-one against Bradford in the Capital One Cup in 2012 that I’m not even a little bit bitter about any more…
1 – Cesc Fabregas
When you think of bad hair styles and Arsenal, I must admit, Cesc didn’t immediately spring to mind. Then, when it dawned on me, I threw up in my mouth a little bit before Googling pictures and full-on belly laughing.
Just before suddenly becoming attractive, Cesc went through a slightly more… mulletty stage.
Way back, when the Spaniard was essentially a fetus, the poor boy didn’t have a clue what to do with his hair so instead when for a mullet (?). I’m not sure why this is the default style if you’re unsure; as if you just wander into a barber’s and ask them for the most ridiculous style they can pull off. Unless he actually asked for this to be done to him?
Although who would ask to essentially look as if he had a small animal humping the back of his head? Surely no one with good judgement?
Well… he did join Chelsea.