Once again, the magical, wonderful, joyous festival that is Christmas has graced us with its presence.
The streets are full of good will as everyone goes out of their way to indulge in festive spirit, and bathe in lashings of good cheer as they queue up in a toy warehouse to pay £90 for a piece of blue plastic that has the words ‘Disney’ and ‘Frozen’ stamped on it.
Each year, just like every other good little boy and girl, we here at DC HQ write out a Christmas wish list to Father Christmas in the hope that he comes down our chimney and empties his sack at the bottom of our Christmas tree………..or something like that. Here is this year’s list. Fingers crossed that we get some of these.
- Three points on Monday night vs Manchester City, just so we can focus on the one true threat to our title ambitions, the mighty Leicester City.
- A midfielder in the January transfer window, except this time, can we have one that doesn’t have a broken back before turning up? Please?
- Some sellotape. Can’t have enough of it with Jack Wilshere around, unfortunately.
- A bucket for Jose Mourinho’s tears.
- A mop to wipe the overflow from the bucket off the floor.
- A second bucket for everyone else’s tears of laughter.
- A second mop.
- A penny for Claudio Ranieri’s thoughts when he found out that man who replaced him at Chelsea had been sacked in the immediate aftermath of losing to him.
- An opportunity to see the look on Olivier Giroud’s face when he’s invited you round to his house for Netflix and Chill, and you turn up, and he doesn’t have Netflix…….
- A new knee for Danny Welbeck.
- 1000 AA batteries. It’s Christmas, we always need batteries. Also, who knows when Alexis’ will run out, but if they do, we’ll be ready.
- A cashmere-lined top hat for Mathieu Flamini’s butler.
- A Go-Pro camera for Petr Cech’s helmet. Then, sell the rights of the footage from the camera to SKY for £1.3 billion a year. Happy days.
- A copy of the new Tottenham DVD: ‘ “14, 14 Undefeated”, The story of Spurs’ historic Premier League unbeaten run in 2015′. I’m really looking forward to the bonus content, it has unreleased interviews from Alan Sugar and Harry Kane on their memories of Calum Chambers’ own goal during the League Cup tie vs Arsenal. Also, I have a table with one leg shorter than the other, this would fill that gap nicely.
- Some slippers. I don’t want to wake any Manchester United fans up by walking around in heavy footwear. Although saying that, I could probably play a trombone in their ear right now, and they still wouldn’t budge due to the slumber Louis van Gaal has put them in. No wonder they play in the Theatre of Dreams……
- A pay rise for all the staff at Daily Cannon. (BAH HUMBUG!!!!!!! – Ed.)
- To be as generous as Mesut Özil in front of goal with someone else running beside him. Whoever had him as Secret Santa this year probably got a Lamborghini. At least.
- To be as grateful for anything in life as Jürgen Klopp was for a 95th minute equaliser at home to West Brom. What Klopp did in front of the Kop last week was no different to what you or I will do next weekend when we get a pair of socks as a present, feign delight to appease others. It just has to be done.
- A letter of apology for Joel Campbell. Signed by everyone who doubted he could play as well as he has for the last 3 weeks during some vital games. I’ll pay for the stamp because I went on the Daily Cannon podcast and said he wasn’t good enough. I’m an idiot. Kudos Joel.
- A pat on the back for Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who would have gotten all of Campbell’s playing time if he didn’t get injured when he did.
- A Swedish penis enlarger for the bloke at Tottenham who thought that their new stadium had to have 61,000 seats, slightly more than the Emirates Stadium. I bet he’s the bloke who bids in £1 increments when there’s an auction for Mayfair during a game of Monopoly. What a mug. It isn’t capacity that the new Spurs stadium needs the most, it is height, just so they can at least attempt to physically move out of our shadow, if not metaphorically.
- And finally, a staple gun, to close whichever orifice Piers Morgan is using to talk out of. A glue gun would be a more than acceptable substitute. As would a nail gun. In fact, my boot would do just fine, as long as I got to be in charge of the insertion.
Hopefully, the big man in the red suit will see this list and bestow us with as many gifts as possible. With any luck, you’ll get what you wanted too.
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