by Stephen Bradley

It’s that time of year again!

Welcome, one and all, to the fourth edition of the Annual Arsenal Associated Awards Relating to Greatness and God-awful Hilarity!!! (or AAAARGGH! for short) Over the next few minutes, we’ll reflect back on a season full of highs and lows, and I’ll be handing out AAAARGGHs along the way. So, we begin the festivities with…

The Mathieu Flamini Award for Most Inconspicuous Person of the Year 

To……..erm…….me. Yeah. I was so busy learning how to work in radio (You can listen to the sports show on Sundays at 2-6pm on Midlands 103! Sorry. Cheap plug.) that I never got around to doing this last year, so we technically should be celebrating ‘AAAARGGH!!!!! 5: Party Hard’. But we’re not. Sorry. To make things worse, I can’t even collect the award in person, because if you knew where I was, I couldn’t win the award.

Honourable mentions go to Flamini himself, and the person who made that flag saying Wenger should say goodbye. Haven’t seen him since the Monaco game. Speaking of which…

The Mayweather/Pacquiao Award for Most Disappointing Night of the Year

To Wednesday 25th February. The last time I felt so empty inside was when a girlfriend of mine suggested I go on a five-day juice detox. The results were eerily similar, as both started ok, then progressively got worse before ending with me in horrible pain.

There is only one scenario in which anything sport related could make me feel worse. No, it’s not Piers Morgan becoming host of Match of the Day. No, it’s not Robbie Savage becoming manager of Arsenal. No, it’s not even Tottenham winning the league, primarily because at least the first two are remotely possible.

The only way in which more pain could have been inflicted on me was this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voOQ-Fph7Fc

Cheers Monaco.

The Lazarus Award for Comeback of the Year

To the Arsenal players that played from Thursday 26th February until the end of the season. 16 games, 12 wins, three draws and a loss. It’s not like they were all walkovers against inferior opposition either, that list includes a win in Old Trafford, a destruction of Liverpool, and a FA Cup win. Not too shabby at all.

A very honourable mention goes to Francis Coquelin. On the 11th of December last year, there will have been very few people who knew which league Coquelin was playing in, never mind the club who he played for. He had been cast off in the same manner Jon Snow kil….(HEY!!! NO GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!!! – Editor)

Wow. It’s not like he hasn’t read the books. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Coquelin. Is he the defensive midfielder that will finally fill the Gilberto Silva-shaped hole that’s been left vacant. It remains to be seen. But he did a more than admirable job as a facsimile when called into action.

Kudos, Coq.

The ‘”Men in Black” Neuralizer’ Award for Most Forgettable Club of the Year

To Chelsea. Name for me one memorable moment that Jose Mourinho and company have provided us over the course of the season. One. Just one.

I’m all in with this:

They won the league and deservedly so. But good grief they were boring, especially after Christmas. We could argue until the cows come home as to whether style matters over substance, but something in the way of enjoyment would be nice. It’s not like we’re paying these people millions of pounds a year just to win a poxy game of football. Entertain me, jeez!!!

The Adryan Award for Most Egregious Overreaction of the Year.

Who is Adryan? This is Adryan.

That was in December of this year, so how in the world has he not won this award himself? Step forward, the Football Association. I could ramble on for ages on how ludicrous the whole Jack Wilshere episode is, but Daily Cannon’s Helen Trantum sums it up perfectly here. Well done, FA. You made a man flopping around a football pitch like a dead fish look more credible than yourselves.

*slow claps*

The Mesut Özil Award

To Mesut Özil.

What?

I need a reason to give him an award?

Ok. Here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6axf2FdaTc

Happy? Good.

The Gary Neville Award for Best Commentary of a Goal

To German Eurosport for this gem. The majority of this clip is ‘ist deutsch’, but there may be one or two bits that you can comprehend.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk28CGANBYw

The Dan Compton Award for Best Reaction to a Goal at Newcastle

Long-time readers will know of Dan. If you don’t know why this award is named after him, here you go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6LT_VoRWRc

I never thought that anyone would top Tottenham’s effort two years ago, but it happened on the last day of the season.

This award goes to Jonas Gutierrez. He deserves one anyway for beating testicular cancer and returning to play professional football, but this is just epic. It’s so epic, I can just about tolerate the music on this video. Just.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tHqrty5hxo

The John Jensen Award for Goal of the Season

To Aaron Ramsey, for this thunder-rocket of a strike.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AkWEt3GGlM

It’s so good, it beats all of Alexis Sanchez’s efforts this season. Do you realise how difficult that is to accomplish? It’d be like going on a stag night with Olivier Giroud and convincing a single person to stay and talk with you instead of him. Even the premise sounds ridiculous, yet Rambo did it. Take a bow, son!

The Sepp Blatter Award for Most Egregious Assumption of Somebody Else’s Possession

To Mathieu Flamini for this blatant but ultimately unsuccessful attempt at claiming Alexis Sanchez’s man of the match award after the home game versus QPR. If you watch carefully, you can see the brief moment in his eyes when he thinks he’s got away with it. You can almost hear him thinking ‘YOINK!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xffDWFNXTdo

Honourable mentions go to Ivan Gazidis for taking £15m of Barcelona’s money without giving back anything in return (Get well soon, Thomas!), and to all the Arsenal fans on the internet who have destroyed every web poll going. Nice work, folks.

*doffs cap*

The Gus Caeser Award for Player of the Year

It’s very rare in life that you get exactly what you pay for. Most of the time, it’s a massive letdown and you’re left with nothing more than an empty box, a massive sense of buyer’s guilt, and no receipt. This is known in football circles as the ‘Mario Balotelli’ effect.

But once every so often, your hopes become fulfilled, and whatever you envisioned your purchase would accomplish comes true.

That purchase for Arsenal occurred on July 10th, 2014.

When you spend £35m on a player, you want him to amaze you. You want him to dazzle you, to leave you speechless, to rue the day that he stops playing for your club.

Then he does this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89vHHm7Ax1E

Alexis Sanchez. Player of the year. It has been an honour to see you play this season. Well done sir.