Every so often we are treated to the media’s view of which players would make a combined XI.
Typically the press’ obvious anti-Arsenal bias sees a rather one sided analysis, so ahead of the big game at the weekend, here at the Daily Cannon we’ve conducted a thorough examination of which players from Tottenham and Arsenal would make a joint XI.
GOALKEEPER: Lloris vs Ospina
Lloris is a great shot-stopper and a decent sweeper-keeper. He’s also a bit like Szczesny in that he can make the odd mistake as a result of his style of play which is otherwise very beneficial.
However, he plays for Spurs.
Szczesny is better than Lloris and Ospina is playing ahead of Szczesny. Slightly dodgy kicking aside, he’s a quality keeper.
LEFT BACK: Rose vs Monreal
Danny Rose is still living off a memory of *that* goal. Pacy but reckless, he’s far from the worst of the Spurs defence, but he is still a part of that filthy Spurs defence.
Nacho Monreal actually has brain in contrast to Rose, and he’s proven it by joining Arsenal. He’s in fabulous form too.
LEFT CENTRE BACK: Vertonghen vs Koscielny
Jan Vertonghen was actually pretty decent when he arrived in the Premier League. Since then he’s been steadily in decline and this season it looks like Fazio has rubbed off on him a bit.
Laurent Koscielny must have to buy new shorts after every game he plays, as he pockets are now overflowing with shackled centre forwards. Harry Kane will surely be keeping the likes of Sergio Aguero company following Saturday’s game.
RIGHT CENTRE BACK: Fazio vs Mertesacker
Fazio is a total liability, irrespective of the fact that he plays for Spurs. The fact that he does play for Spurs just makes him even worse.
Per Mertesacker isn’t Fazio – seriously anything would be an improvement. He’s calm, passionate and he has the best song now that Bacary Sagna has left.
RIGHT BACK: Walker vs Bellerin
Kyle Walker is thick as two short planks and about as ugly. That’s probably why he chose to play for Spurs. Pacy but reckless, he’s a perfect match for Danny Rose – that is to say, rubbish.
Hector Bellerin has got the pace of Walker but he’s also learned a few things since the age of 10. The boy’s got skills and can cross a ball to land on a sixpence. What’s not to like?
DEFENSIVE MIDFIELD: Bentaleb vs Coquelin
Nabil Bentaleb has picked up the Edgar Davids trademark of only ever passing backwards. That’s where his career is going too, since he plays for Spurs.
Francis Coquelin’s career, in contrast, has taken a trip through CERN* in the last month or two. He’s strong, surprising and substantially superior to Bentaleb.
*Nerd joke, sorry. CERN is a particle accelerator in Switzerland.
LEFT MIDFIELD: Chadli vs Ozil
Nacer Chadli looked pretty rubbish when he joined Spurs. He’s done a bit better since, but he can’t successfully play in the same team as Eriksen – which is a bit of an issue when the Dane is banging home winning goals and cracking free kicks left, right and centre. Needs putting down a peg or two.
Mesut Ozil has an absolute wand of a left foot, and he effortlessly makes everyone else in this Arsenal team better. There’s a reason that Arsenal fans gloat “You sold Bale, we signed Mesut Ozil!” He’s coming for you!
CENTRE MIDFIELD: Mason vs Ramsey
Ryan Mason is a Spurs youth product, and you can certainly see it in the filthy way he tackles. He’s another of the Spurs gang with a solitary wonder strike to live off but he’s done nothing since. Plus, as a Spurs youth product he’s got an extra dose of infection.
Aaron Ramsey is, by contrast, an FA Cup Final winning legend. He’s skilled in survival, weaponry, hand-to-hand combat and guerrilla warfare. He’s decent at football too. Be afraid, Spurs, be very afraid.
ATTACKING MIDFIELD: Eriksen vs Cazorla
Christian Eriksen is certainly a player with quality, but he has a habit of dipping in and out of games. He’s also relatively easy to nullify in open play. His dead ball deadliness almost mitigates the fact that he’s been infected by the Spurs virus. He’s still worse than all of Arsenal’s midfield though.
Santi Cazorla, on the other hand, scores his free kicks at pivotal points in FA Cup Finals. The little Spaniard seems to have special glue to attach the ball to his feet and is in unplayable form. He’s far too good for Spurs on any day of the week.
RIGHT MIDFIELD: Townsend vs Walcott
Andros Townsend is yet another of Spurs’ players nicking a living off the back of a single great strike. Since scoring that goal, he’s pretty much done nothing bar score a few penalties. He is the next great hope of English football.
Theo Walcott on the other hand has pace to burn and has scored a plethora of important goals against Man United, Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool and (of course) Tottenham. He might be just returning from injury, but he’s still twice the player Townsend is.
CENTRE FORWARD: Kane vs Giroud
Harry Kane is certainly having a decent season, but he really needs to get out of the nasty habit of lying about his love for Arsenal. In any case, you had your chance Harry, and you ballsed it up. You’re stuck playing for Spurs.
Oliver Giroud demonstrates week in week out his importance to Arsenal as the foil for the many miniature playmakers who buzz in and around his feet. He could be the key to sucking Fazio out of position, and he’s shown he can score wonder goals too. He’s just massively less selfish and that’s why he’s a better – and more successful – player than Kane.
OVERALL JOINT ELEVEN
Overall then, Arsenal have a whopping 11/11 victory on the joint XI.
It’s hardly surprising – the best players are intelligent, and what better way to demonstrate your intelligence than to choose Arsenal over Spurs.
Saturday is the time to demonstrate that superiority.